Originally published on PASSIONFORCINEMA.COM
Presenting before you- the most ridiculous awards of the season- bring on the rotten eggs and tomatoes!
The TRULY TRIVIAL™ Awards- 2007
-Cinematic event of the Ear- To a Disco ball Falling on Bobby Deol’s Head in the 'so bad- it’s good’ masterpiece Shakalaka Fuck Fuck (lovingly rechristened by Shri Anurag Kashyap) and he consequently going deaf. Hear, hear, I say.
(Honestly, am tempted to take out a whole list of awards dedicated to this landmark film with such deliciously bad direction and performances)
-Super Straightforward title Award- To Dus Kahaaniyan and Good Boy, Bad Boy
-Satyanash Bhatt Award for Horrible Plagiarization- To two totally derailed films- The Train and Fool ‘N’ Final- whose makers have truly carried forward the grand Bhatt tradition in full spirit- even snatching the taglines of the original films!
-Navjot Sidhu Award for Verbal Diarrhoea- To Cheeni Kum- for being a very irritating repartee contest between Tangri Kebab and Ghasphoos (for God’s sake, STOP!) and for being the very definition of an overwritten film. Also gets the dubious Unintentionally and Grossly Pornographic Title Award.
-Love thy Enemy Award- Sanjay Gupta, for immediately snatching the er, credit (read: blame) from Apoorva Lakhia for Shootout At Lokhandwala. (He also gets a special mention for proving that 10 films for the price of 1 do not guarantee paisa vasool and for the weirdest tagline of the year- ‘Based on True Rumors’)
-Ek Chunari, Teen Daag Award- To Rani Mukherji (for 3 huge stains on a strong career-namely, Tara Rum Pum, LCMD and Saawariya), who also earns the special Tere Naam Trophy for most Hideous wig for Tara Rum Pum and strictly ‘under probation’ status from the Fashion Police.
-Healthy Item of the Year- Urmila Matondkar- after seeing anorexic Kareena Kapoor in It’s Rocking and Starved Six Pack Khan in Dard-e-Disco, it was positively delightful and refreshing to see Urmila’s jiggling tummy and thunderous thighs in her Mehbooba number from RGV Ki Ugh.
-Bole Mere Lips Award- To Nisha Kothari for possesing the most amazingly elastic and expressive lips in the world (their massive expressive range includes a scared pout, a sad pout, a sweet pout, a seductive pout and the I’m Super Dumb pout). She also gets the coveted Aa Khushi Se Khud Khushi Kar Le Award for making us want to kill ourselves every time she appeared on screen in RGV ki Ugh.
-Huggies Diaper Award + an endorsement offer- To Sajid Khan, for recognizing the importance of giving dirty diapers more screen time in Heyy Babyy, which was a shitty film in more ways than one .
-Impossible is Nothing Award - To Himesh Reshammiya, for being seduced by Mallika Sherawat and spurning her, for getting Auto Rickshaws in Germany and finally, for proving that a singer who can’t act can still deliver a hit at the BO.
-Unconditional Love Award- To Subhash K Jha, who despite blue-eyed boy Sameer Dattani’s ten-thousand failed attempts at launching himself, still thinks the boy’s gonna be a superstar some day- sigh… (He also gets the Most Outrageously Funny Statements by a Film Journalist Award- “Life Mein Kabhie Kabhie- my favorite episodic film of the year.” and “What was so wrong about Marigold? Could we not see a gori take away an Indian lad?”)
-Shilpa Shetty’s Bade Bhaiyya Award- To Vipul Shah- for being super-racist giving it back in the same spirit to the bloody goras in Namastey London.
-Corny Dialogue of the Year Award- “Daag? What Daag? Tum to mere liye Ganga samaan ho.” - Abhishek Bachchan in Laaga Chunari Mein Daag (beating out close competition from ‘You have gone on to the dark path, my son.” - Dharmendra in Johnny Gaddaar- intentionally unintentional hilarity, was it?)
-Most Superbly Ribald Dialogue of the Year- “Kya? Tumhara Sex ho gaya?”- Abhishek Bachchan in Jhoom Barabar Jhoom -also closely followed by “Naughty Pussy!”- Shahrukh Khan in Om Shanti Om.
-Most Horribly Ribald Dialogue of the Year- "Cricket? I love Cricket- gyaarah aaadmi ek ball ke peechhe…aur aaj-kal to ball- tampering bhi hota hai…haw haw.”- Suresh Menon in Partner.
-Ram Gopal Varma Bravery Award- For all those who suffered RGV’s insanity unleashed in theatres- give yourself a huge hand of applause- you have successfully passed a trial by fire, quite literally.
Friday, April 25, 2008
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